Faith

As any parent would likely attest, perhaps the worst feeling in the world is when your child is hurting and you can't just make it better. We had one of those times today. It started at 2:00 in the morning when my daughter woke up vomiting. Though she had been a little fussy at dinner time, it wasn't anything unusual and so there was no indication ahead of time that she was sick. But the poor thing couldn't stop throwing up and couldn't keep water down, so by 4:00 we were getting dressed to head to the Emergency Room. We spent the better part of the day there - finally coming home 12 hours after the whole ordeal began. And I'm sitting here in tears thinking about it.

As we suspected, the culprit was a stomach virus. Since she couldn't keep fluids down, they had to put an IV in her arm to keep her hydrated. It was so difficult holding her down while the nurse put in the IV. But what has me in tears isn't that they had to stick my baby with needles or that she felt miserable for a while - the virus seems to have already run it's course and once we got home you would never have known she was so sick a short while before.

What has me crying is remembering how she behaved when they were putting in the IV. She was sick. She was tired. She was scared. She was being stuck with something sharp and she couldn't move to try and pull away. But in all of it, she let out one little whimper. The entire time, she kept looking in my eyes and listening to my voice as I told her that it wasn't going to last and she would soon feel better. Her complete and utter faith in me to look after her, her belief in my words that everything would be all right and she would soon feel better, was strong enough to quell whatever impulses she may have had to pull away.

Her reliance on my husband and me is not some new revelation. That I am the most important person in her world is not a new concept. But this was one of those times when the full weight of what that means hit me like a freight train - and I am humbled.

And Suddenly All is Right with the World

I went to the doctor yesterday for my first prenatal visit. I was nervous and giddy and made my husband go along with me. What I didn't want to admit to him was that I wanted him there in case there was bad news. I knew that I would need his support and strength if something was wrong.

Leading up to the visit, I imagined all the things that could be wrong. I'd had a mild case of the flu over the weekend and worried that it had harmed the baby. I worried about my early pregnancy test results - that the very faint lines indicated that there wasn't really a baby there and it was all screwy hormones playing evil tricks with my mind and emotions.

My worries also ran along the other end of the spectrum. I'd taken fertility drugs to get pregnant and twins run in my family. What if I were carrying triplets? Or more? Where would we put them all? How on Earth would we be able to take care of feedings, diaperings, bathings, for so many babies at once?!

And then I was in the exam room and the doc was doing an ultrasound to check as see if it's twins (or more). The fuzzy grey and white images revealed just one little blob. But oh! - miracle of miracles - the images showed a faint little flicker in the center of the itty bitty larva. The baby's heartbeat.

The realist in me knows that there is a long time between now and my September 30th due date. The realist in me knows that things could go wrong between now and then. But seeing the little flicker... knowing that there is a teeny tiny new life in the works... has made all the worries and fears burn away like fog before the sun.



We'll see if I still like that analogy when I'm going through my third trimester in August.

Would You Live for Me?

Written back in 2002, figured I'd share it here.

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Would you live for me?
Would you grant to me your company and every waking thought?
Would you open up to me the corners of your heart?
Would you see the inner me and love me anyway?
Would you hear the words that I intend despite the words I say?
Would you believe in me?

Would you live for me?
Would you hold me tenderly when I need to cry?
Would you wrap me in your comfort and raise my spirits high?
Would you awaken in the night just to watch me sleep?
Would you be the guardian of secrets that I keep?
Would you protect me?

Would you live for me?
Would you be ever at my side? Would each breath bear my name?
Would you make my passion yours? Would you feel my flame?
Would you sing of your devotion? Would my smile be your bliss?
Would you reverantly caress me and adorn me with your kiss?
Would you worship me?


I know that you would die for me...

But would you live for me?