Playing the Game

It started like any typical day - I saw the hubinator off to work, got Rhi her breakfast, then herded her into her room to play while I hopped in the shower. Soon we were off to do the grocery shopping. I popped a CD into the stereo and backed out of the driveway.

About a mile down the road I was crying like a baby. The song "Coming Around Again" by Carly Simon was playing. I'd heard the song countless times before - would sing along with it every time - but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. Today I heard in the song all the trials and heartache, all the ups and downs, that can either tear apart or strengthen a relationship.

Tomorrow my husband and I will celebrate our 9th anniversary. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to say that those 9 years have been a wonderful dream? But "perfect" marriages are just that - dreams. The past 9 years my husband and I have both endured with - and inflicted upon - each other incredible pain and frustration. At one point we nearly called it quits but the two of us are both so damned stubborn we stuck with it and rebuilt the relationship.


"I believe in love
What else can I do?
I'm so in love with you"


This is what had me in tears (and has my vision blurring now, several hours later). Since we rebuilt our relationship one thought is always at the back of my mind - even in our worst arguments: I love this man. So even when I want to pull my hair out and scream because I'm so angry, there is still a sort of peace of mind knowing that things will eventually work out - they just have to - because we are in love.


Coming Around Again - by Carly Simon

Baby sneezes
Mommy pleases
Daddy breezes in
So good on paper
So romantic
But so bewildering

(chorus)
I know nothing stays the same
But if you’re willing to play the game
It’s coming around again
So don’t mind if I fall apart
There’s more room in a broken heart

You pay the grocer
Fix the toaster
Kiss the host good-bye
Then you break a window
Burn the soufflé
Scream the lullaby

I know nothing stays the same
But if you’re willing to play the game
It’s coming around again
So don’t mind if I fall apart
There’s more room in a broken heart

And I believe in love
But what else can I do
I’m so in love with you

I know nothing stays the same
But if you’re willing to play the game
It’s coming around again

Cartoon People

The issue of friendships - specifically friendships that are developed online - has been on my mind a lot lately. Is it really possible to make friends with a person whom you've never met in-person? I'd like to think so, but there is a tremendous potential to be hurt or betrayed in such a friendship. Experience has taught me that even between people who consider themselves close friends, miscommunication via text is easy and can lead to the end of the relationship. Even more experience has taught me that it's entirely too easy for online friends to just drift away as they find other things to do.

This morning I remembered an incident that happened about 6 years ago. I was leading a smallish guild in the game Ultima Online. It was mostly people who enjoyed hanging out together in-game. I had noticed one of the guys hadn't been in game for over a week, so the next time I saw his name light up on a chat program, I sent a message asking if everything was all right. His girlfriend responded, saying that they had decided to stop playing because real life was more important. I told her I completely understood and wished them well. I said that I was just worried since I hadn't heard from him in a while. She replied that "real people are more important than cartoon people".

It felt like a slap in the face. I was not concerned about the character in the game, but rather the person behind the character. It was a real person - not a "cartoon" that was asking if they were ok. And yet - because the only interaction I had with them was via computer, I was deemed not real. It always amazes me that people will treat others online as nothing more than the pixels displayed on the screen.

And so I now walk a tight rope. I can't help but think somewhere in the back of my mind that the people I talk to may be lying to me about themselves or may really just view my worth as whatever character I happen to be playing in whichever game I'm logged on to at the moment. But there are people that I do let myself care for and consider friends even though I've never seen their face. I can only hope they realize that I am more than pixels and computer graphics - just as much as I hope they realize I value them as real people, too.

Checking in - Checking up

ok - I know it has been forever since I've updated. With the weather turning nice, we are called to the backyard and LOTS of work to be done back there. Add to that the growing baby making it hard to breath if I do anything more strenuous than, say, sit in bed with my feet propped up getting a foot massage (hey - I can dream!).... anyways.... there's been some things I've *meant* to post, but either didn't have the energy to do so or didn't have the time until after I forgot what I wanted to post.

But yes, I am still here!

Getting ready for the next doctor visit tomorrow - first one since my surgery and I'm eager to hear the heartbeat again. I should also get the results of the various blood tests that were done before and expect I'll be sent for even more later on. This visit is also he one where we'll start to make arrangements for some ultra-sensitive sonograms which will help determine if the baby has and birth defects. I'm a bit stressed because it doesn't look like the hubinator will be going with me to this one.

Also coming up is Rhi's regular doctor check up. She's a bit more aware of things now than she was at her last doctor visit, so I've been telling her about the check up and what to expect. To add to it, one of the cartoons she watched this morning on PBS had little kids going to the doctor for a check-up and showed all the things the doctor checks. Since then she has spent the entire day bringing various toys up to me to check my ears, my legs, my arms.... if I have to say "ahhhh" one more time I think I'll scream.

At least she isn't afraid of going!